i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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