Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
