My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
