My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
