yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
