i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
