so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
