you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
