I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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