I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is Oprah even human
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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