i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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