dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize