Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
