I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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