I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
