I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
