If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
