So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
