are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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