I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
