So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
