I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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