I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
