do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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