She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
