I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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