They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
