so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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