WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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