Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
