Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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