i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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