I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Found your dick twin last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
