I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
