remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize