you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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