Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
