i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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