i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
