Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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