I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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