Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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