i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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