the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
