is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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