it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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