literally had 100 drinks last night.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
