i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
