Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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