hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
