Jerry, you need to find god
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
