but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
