my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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