Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
