Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
