yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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