you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
