You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
