You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
